Frustrations and a change of heart

Can I say, "it" is doing IT again.
Just trying to post this entry is making me CRAZY!
Talk about my own frustrations--
COMPUTERS!!!
{{{{AHHHHHH}}}}

I had written the post about the "FUN" we have been having. I posted it--
only to have the format get whacked out--
MANY TIMES!!!
I finally gave up and threw it back into my drafts until i had time to get it worked out. My hubby thought i had taken it off my blog, because i felt bad about writing about him --NAHHH-- just the computer was in non-compliance. It has taken me two days to finally get it up so it looks right. I gave up trying to center it... or highlight, or emphasize any more words. For some reason it seemed to wig out any time i tried to do that.

I am leaving it alone.
It is what it is...
(having the same problem with this post,
anyone else having this problem?)

A few months ago I had interviewed for a promotion at my work (As noted here), i didn't get it.
Guess what?
I am really OK with the fact it did not work out. I like the guy (Mr.X) quite well, who did get the job. Even though he is still learning about different aspects of the job he is doing pretty well. He is teachable and actually listens to those who know what is going on (ie: ME--LOL) It has been fun helping him out. He has strengths where i had weaknesses. He has changed the whole feeling in the office. It is actually a fun place to go to work now.

One day I was talking with Mr.X about his getting the job, and having a husband who has and IS currently going through unemployment, I have an understanding and empathy for what Mr.X went through prior to getting the job. He too had dealt with unemployment. That day I came home and told my husband that i was glad Mr.X got the job over me. He needed it more.!
I really do believe things happen for a reason-- often we can not see the big picture,
and it takes time and the ability to reflect back
to see how things play out.
Things worked out for the best--
I am still figuring out what it means for me?
...but i know in not getting the job,
it will only leave me more opportunities in the end.
We may not always like how things turn out--
we may not understand it at the time,
but in the end we need to remember who is really in charge of our life...
HE has a plan for us--
which we may not know about.
We have to put our trust and faith in his hands.
HE knows what is best.
HE has his timing.
HE is refining us,
molding us,
and if we let him,
HE can and will make us into more than we could ever hope to be.
It is hard being patient and waiting on HIS timing.
I have to remind myself of these truths.
I need to work on my faith.
I need to work on my patience.
I need to remember that things happen for a reason,
and as much as I would like to think
I am in control of my life--
I'm NOT.
What can I say?
I am just a work in progress.

“All of us are guinea pigs
in the laboratory of God.
Humanity is just a work in progress.”
Tennessee Williams

When will this FUN end?

Dont'cha just love ADVERSITY?
(said with a slight note of sarcasm, well maybe not slight!?)
Or how about those trials/tribulations
that you know will eventually end,
but you keep waiting for that day to come....

LIFE...
{{{{SIGH}}}}
in all it wonder,
frustration,
happiness,
and pain
can be exhausting some days.

I realize that it takes the bitter,
to appreciate the sweet,
and without the bad,
we could not truly enjoy the good--
but i think i have had my fair share of the bitter lately--
not that things couldn't always be worse--
but they certainly could be better!?
We are ready for better.

We are getting really good at the
"hurry up and wait game"...
only to be disappointed...
AGAIN.
Nothing like,
"always the bridesmaid...
never the bride"--
or "second place...
also known as first loser",
or "close but no cigar".
If it is a cliche about ALMOST getting what you want,
it fits our situation.!

Poor hubby got another one of those calls today...
He was the guy. (or he was supposed to be)
His/our waiting was to be over...
but it didn't exactly work out that way--
Feeling frustrated,
mad
and disappointed
he went to drown his sorrows by watching Jeopardy--
and low and behold there was some clown on the TV instead--(some people refer to him as the president)
My poor hubby.
He had all he could take--
if you can't watch Jeopardy and have no desire to listen to the president ramble on, the next best thing he could do was to buy two tacos from Jack in the Box and drown his sorrows in some fake meat, cheese and a healthy(?) dose of grease, which he did, and then promptly came home and ate them while watching Leave it to Beaver.

It is good to be reminded of
calmer,
simpler,
happier times....
All of which we hope will return to our home--
sooner than later, we hope--
ENOUGH OF THIS FUN ALREADY!

This scripture has brought me some peace...
especially this time of year.

These things I have spoken unto you,
that in me ye might have PEACE.
In the world ye shall have TRIBULATION:
but be of GOOD CHEER;
I have overcome the world.

St John 16:33

My prayer is that we can all find peace in our tribulations
and that we can remember the things we are blessed with,
and that we can remember it is only momentary
(even if it feels like those moments go on and on....)

Thoughts on SPRING

well it is official. Spring Break is over... that was the rude awakening that i was hit with this morning. I had gotten spoiled with the opportunity to sleep in last week. I took FULL advantage of each and every opportunity to ease into the day. I think while i was sleeping in, the sun decided to start popping up earlier... because when i woke up today (at my normal early time) there it was, as if saying to me "get up you lump of lard". Well, maybe the sun doesn't use that kind of language-- (that was more of me willing myself to get out of bed.) Instead the sun was reaching out as if telling me to enjoy the early morning sunrise because it will be coming earlier and earlier, and with that the HEAT! I am not ready for that-- I figured i was done with layering my clothes, wearing my sweatshirt and even socks, so you can imagine my surprise when i opened up the door to walk out and turned back around to grab my sweatshirt. What a pleasant surprise--staving off the heat for one more day. It was overcast and ended up raining for a large portion of the day--it was BEAUTIFUL--as if it was washing away the dirt of winter and freshening the earth in preparation of spring. (I almost felt guilty enjoying the rain since my cousin and her family were down here from Oregon to enjoy our sunshine and warmth)

I noticed my trees which had been dormant for the winter starting to spring new blossoms.

It was a rough winter on my plants--many were killed off with a few nights of below freezing temps--imagine my surprise when i saw the white flowers popping up on my pile of sticks that i had left in the ground. Just when i was about to give up on that plant it found a way to muster up some life--I guess that is what spring is about--not giving up. Transition. Change. Becoming NEW. So with 9 weeks left of school we are in the final stretch--Changes will be coming--Transitions. Not sure i am ready for all of them. I guess when i start to feel overwhelmed I need to remember to look to the sunrise which makes getting up easier, and those plants and flowers that refused to give up. Somewhere along the way I can muster up the strength to bloom amidst adversity.

Ramblings at two in the morning

Don'tcha hate when you have been tired for most of the evening but not enough to sleep? It's not even that my mind is moving a mile a minute--cuz it's not. It is vacation and my body is freaking out at the knowledge that i can sleep in--and i have been. It has been so nice--even little man has slept in--i mean REALLY slept in. Why must school start back up next week? Actually I should not be complaining because we are in the home stretch from here on out--in fact graduation for number two child is but a short nine weeks away--AHHHHH. So hard to believe--
Note to self:
Need to schedule senior pictures
son needs haircut prior to them being taken
Need to buy cap and gown
Need to pinpoint son on how he wants his announcements to look so i can start creating the masterpieces

I have determined tonight that i am NOT a good a home movie watcher--and when i say home movie it is not about HOME movies--those little gems of entertainment from when your children were little.--NO. I am actually talking about movies that were once in the theater that are now available to be watched in the comfort of your home. I find it just takes far more attention than i can give when i am at home. I loved the movie we were watching tonight when i saw it in the theater, but while watching it at home i couldn't have told you anything about it. I am just far too distracted. Too many other things that draw my attention away. I had no popcorn to keep me focused and in-line. Well maybe not, but i do love popcorn and soda when i am in the theater--it is after all in my opinion part of the whole movie watching experience. I thought about turning down the lights to give more of the theater effect in the room--but decided against in for fear i would fall asleep. I guess i just should have done it--at least now i would have a few hours of sleep under my belt.

So now here i am. Hot and cold all at the same time. 98% of me is plenty warm--overly warm--but my feet....my feet are chilled and i think that is why i am awake. I should put on socks but then i know i will be even warmer...OIE veeeh. not to mention that my heels are crusty and snagging on the sheets--I need to get a good pedi....Did I mention the headache? Or the slightly stuffed nose? Not stuffed enough to warrant drugs, but enough to bug me. Allergy season here we come. Maybe i should break down and take something for the headache...or not. Instead i will sit here and watch House--he is sure to put me to sleep--and give me nightmares in the process...

March Mantel or Madness?

I am here to educate, enlighten and basically share facts about things that i previously had no clue about...

Did you know…

Every year on March 17, people celebrate a holiday of which the history has been lost. Many people throughout the world celebrate this holiday decked out in green, trying not to get pinched, and looking for a leprechaun hoarding a pot of gold. In all actuality, this holiday serves a greater purpose of recognizing a man who faced a lifetime of troubles, trying to help people for the greater good.

The original history of Saint Patrick’s Day goes back over a thousand years to Ireland. The holiday was originally celebrated as a religious feast to commemorate the death of Saint Patrick. Today, many don’t even know who Saint Patrick is. Patrick also was one of the first in the church to speak of women fondly as human beings,

and he thus became a saint of “the downtrodden and excluded.”

To me the real interesting part about St. Patrick is that he wasn't really from Ireland--nope--he was English. So I guess that's why it's OK for all of us non-Irish people to celebrate this day. Know what else? They didn't really eat corned beef--they were pork people. Only when the Americans got a hold of this holiday did we change things up...

I have never actually decorated for St. Patricks day,
I have always honored the food tradition though.
We always know what we are going to eat on March 17th,

but this year i was wanting a change.
Why not decorate a mantel for the occasion?
...only problem is

you have to have mantel,
and since we are a fireplace free house
i had to settle on a small shelf instead.

I could have gone small and simple,
starting with one or two things

but why?
WHY go small and simple?
It just isn't my nature.
My mantra is
"go big or go home"
or in other words
"if one is good, ten are better."

Hard to believe, but somewhere among this mess
I found my creative, crafting MOJO.

It would have been nice to have actually worked in my office instead of the kitchen table,
but that room is even worse off.
At least when i work at the kitchen table,
i know that at one point or another
it will get cleaned up and put away

Since i have no IRISH blood (that i know of)
i did not want my mantel to scream that--

instead i wanted to focus on the LUCK part of the holiday.
To start off my creative juices i was feeling "LUCKY".

I knew i wanted to start with that word,
and have that be the center piece of my shelf.

This is what I came up with.

I think it turned out pretty cute
They were some plain old letters that i bought from JoAnns...

(I sat on the floor trying out different combinations until I found the one i liked)
I painted them all black and then mod podged on the paper
and trimmed and sanded them.
I intended it to be a four leaf clover on the "L",
and i think it turned out more like a green flower...
Cest' la vie--
(can you use a french phrase when talking about an Irish holiday?)

Originally i had chosen another wooden "U" but i fell in love with this one.
I thought it had a horse shoe like shape--
only problem with leaving it black (as to mimic a horse shoe) was that it sort of got lost with everything else on the shelf until I put the frame behind it
(I had planned on printing something to put in the frame,
but we ran out of ink...turned out i liked it blank better)
The cardboard made it pop out--
I LOVED IT

My next creative genius
(honk, honk....yes that is me, tooting my own horn)
came when i saw these plain paper mache' hearts around Valentines Day.
For a buck each I knew i couldn't go wrong.
A little green paint and various buttons from my vast stash
and i came up with this cute (if i say so myself) topiary.
I finished it off by putting it in a pot of gold
And what is a pot of gold
if there is not a leprechaun to protect it?
I thought he was pretty cute,
and it is only appropriate
that he sat on a block that said blessed.
(the block is another addition to my shelf that i can change monthly
--flip to the word that fits best)
Simple candles needed to be jazzed up so i wrapped them in paper, tied them off with white burlap and made some shamrocks out of my heart punch and some more buttons out of my stash--WA--LAah

I then transformed a frame from a Thrift store in to this cute little sign.
Just some shamrock paper and cut letters from my Cricut
(thank goodness my daughter can work that since i still have never really played with it)


I finished off the shelf by hanging the
four leaf clover that i had made earlier

add a little shamrock tree to the side

and TA-DA

I love the way it all turned out.
Just like i had envisioned it.

more than anything else this shelf really reminds me that
i am LUCKY
more than a pot of gold
i have been blessed with these wonderful gems in my life

having them reminds me daily
that i am lucky
that i am blessed
and any gold that i might have....
will be spent by them

whip something up

I am growing up...
hard to believe that after 42 years
(i think that is how old I am?)
I am still willing to try new things
that i am not soooo set in my ways
and that i am willing to step outside of the box.

When it comes to food

i think i am pretty open to trying new things-
at least that is what i think until i watch some of these food shows and then i think, well, maybe I'm not.They eat some shall we say exotic (ie: Nasty) stuff on some of these shows. Then there are the overeating shows that just gross me out. Whatever the case, I might not be willing to eat the "exotic" stuff--not that i have many opportunities but I am willing to eat things that were previously on my "not quite my favorite list". Not that this list was very long.

So what was on this list

that previously i would not eat, that now i do?

Cabbage--love it on tacos and a good coleslaw. This does not mean that i love all coleslaw--just some. I love cooked cabbage and love it sauteed in butter with onions. Honestly can you go wrong with anything cooked in butter?

I think not.

Brussel Sprouts--or when i was little i would refer to them as mini cabbages. My oldest brother would request them for his birthday dinner every year--I think he didn't like them so much as he just wanted to torment us by having to eat them. Somewhere along the line my family has adopted their like for this little vegetable and often it can be found on our table for Sunday dinner. Still not my favorite food and i probably won't request it, but i don't mind it.

With me growing up and eating brussel sprouts this has caused my husband to do the same...only with asparagus. Previously, just the mention of this pencil shaped vegetable would send him into a gag reflux.(i am serious when i speak about the gagging--even the thought or smell and he would be gagging--he swore he would NEVER eat it EVER!!!) I loved the vegetable so subsequently it made its way into our fridge and on the table until one day he actually ate it(after much persuasion and a few bribes) and he liked it--now he buys it, and prepares it.

The last veggie wasn't so much a dislike as it was more of an indifferent feeling toward it. Cauliflower. I found i liked it made this way but honestly it was loaded with a ton of calories so it has failed to make its way back to our table. Tonight though, my husband made a lighter version that was equally tasty with what he topped it with. He panned fried it briefly with some fresh garlic and then steamed it. Instead of potatoes as the base he whipped the cauliflower with a little butter and milk in the blender. It was great--so much lighter and not starchy like potatoes.

So this is what dinner was.
Doesn't it look pretty.

It starts with a scoop of whipped cauliflower. It was a nice creamy contrast to the sweet chunky fresh tomato sauce--and then you've got the stalks of asparagus to add a crunchy bite with the tender pan fried chicken.

So delish

So glad my husband is willing to whip up dinner for me.

I am glad that he has us try new and different things

I am glad that he keeps me

fat and happy.

well, maybe not the fat part,

but the HAPPY.

By the way--the item still on my list
LIVER--
doesn't matter how old i get,
or grown up and open minded i feel....
I am just not going there any time soon

Tragedy makes us reflect

Why is it that it takes something TERRIBLE to make me step back and realize how truly blessed I am? Has it really been 7 years since i woke just after Christmas to see the devastation that took place in Indonesia? Bad things are not supposed to happen around Christmas. While we were celebrating and spending time with family for the holidays, others across the world were looking for their loved ones amongst the ruble and debris of an earthquake and subsequent Tsunami. I remember being paralyzed for days after, sitting in awe as i watched the images play out on TV. How could something so horrible have happened? Then slowly we resumed our "normal" lives and went about our business as usual. My life went on and only on occasion did i give this tragedy a second thought. It was only today when i started thinking about it again that i can hardly believe that it was that long ago.

Once again while i was sleeping safe and sound in my home, across the world those in Japan were living out their worst nightmares. It is not something that they will just be able to wake up from either. It will be on going for months/years. It was something that no one had any control over...I think that is when you feel so small in this world, to realize we have very little control of what happens in our lives. I have been thinking about those families that sent missionaries over to Japan. What faith to send your child half way around the world. All you can do is pray that they will be safe...and they have been. What a blessing. I only hope that while they are there that they will be able to console the weak and broken.That they can give the aid to those who need it since we can't. It will be many many years of healing for the Japanese. Long after it is no longer in the news, long after it has been placed in the history books as the horrific event that it is, they will still be dealing with it. I need to remember to be thankful for my blessings, for my safety. And i need to remember after it is no longer the headline news story that those in Japan,they will still need my prayers.

Shamrocks

Nothing screams St.Patricks Day more than the Shamrock.

(hello cute beaded shamrock in the $1 frame from Michaels)
this one was made from everything i had on hand--
i think it needs a stem though
gotta love leftovers for craft projects and a $1 frame from DI

I remember as a kid sitting in my yard and picking through a pile shamrocks looking for the elusive four leaf clover...and ya know what? I actually have not only found one, but two, four leaf clovers in my life time. Now does that mean I am twice as LUCKY? Probably not--I think it just means i am more persistent when i am on a quest to find something. If i can't find what i want, i find something else to make it work. That was what i had to do when making my wreath. I knew i wanted a four leaf clover--i thought it represented LUCK better--so off i went in search of some hearts that i could put together to make my wreath. Guess what? Styrofoam hearts were next to impossible to find before or after Valentines day, so i had to get creative.
I started out with a Styrofoam circle

and traced on some hearts till i got a shape that i liked.
I then took a handy dandy serrated knife to cut it out
(please don't tell the hubby that i used his Henkle to do this)
Then I used the part of the Styrofoam that i had cut off
to sand the edges and smooth them.
(It worked really well, but man did it make a mess)
Styrofoam dust is almost as bad as glitter--it sticks to everything and goes everywhere. If i ever do it again i think it will become an outside project. Then my OCD kicked in and i decided I needed to paint it (knowing that I probably wouldn't even see it when it was covered) but doesn't it look great?
Very Shamrock-ie I say...
Then much like i had done on my valentine wreath I cut out green felt to cover my Styrofoam with. I used a flower die that had a heart/shamrock like look when folded

(Originally i tri-folded the felt
but it made it too bulky so i went with a quarter fold instead)
I then started filling it in.
(This picture was when i was still tri-folding it--like i said it turned out too bulky this way)

not rocket science here. Just stick it with a pin and fill it in.

(notice the bus seat? yes, i was crafting on the job)

I actually ended up taking it apart and re-doing it because it too full the first time. That and the fact that it was sitting out and my husband was a bit aggressive with petting/fluffing my shamrock that he actually broke off one of the arms--thank goodness for glue.

I think it turned out pretty cute. I probably should have done a three leaf clover because aesthetically i think it would have looked better--but NOOOO--had to be a four leaf clover because it represented LUCK and i thought about how common a three leaf clovers are, almost weed like in some places, and then i read this little fact about good ol' St. Patty

Legend has it that the shamrock was used to represent the Holy Trinity by St. Patrick. By doing this he could show people how the church was connected. St. Patrick used this to symbolize how the
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
can be separate, but also part of the same entity.

Knowing this now,
I LOVE three leaf clovers.
It helps me stop and remember where my LUCK comes from
and to be thankful for my blessings

and of course the aesthetics and all....

50 ODD things about ME?!

Found this buried in my drafts from a few years ago--
figured i might as well post it--feel free to cut and past and fill it out on your blog--i think some of the questions were fun

1. Do you like blue cheese?
Blue, white, yellow--i don't discriminate--I am an equal opportunity cheese consumer

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
The only smoking i have ever had come out of my body, is from my ears, when i am mad.

3. Do you own a gun?
Does Nerf count? I kinda have some issues with guns in the home....

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Extra lime

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Only OB/GYN--the whole bodily function thing makes me nervous....

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Costco hot dogs and Ted's, but they need Deli mustard,onions and sauerkraut anything else is just wrong

7. Favorite Christmas song?
Mary's Lullaby, Away in a manger, What child is this...

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Nothing....Water I guess or a COKE if i have a headache...I know mom, it is terrible for me but it does help

9. Can you do push ups?
I am more proficient at the push downs--haven't tried the push ups in years--but i did win the Presidential Fitness award in Elementary school

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
I don't wear much but I love my banglie bracelets

11. Favorite hobby?
That i actually do....HMMM I guess scrap booking, although i do love to finish a fun upholstery project

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
Is that like O.C.D.? I prefer the title of multi tasker

13. What's one trait that you hate about yourself?
I will let you know tomorrow--PROCRASTINATION!

14.If you had to give up one of your senses, what would it be?
I would give up being able to smell. Although taste is directly related to smell and i really like food--so maybe hear--I guess i am so thankful for all of my senses and glad this is just a rhetorical question

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
I am sitting in the jury room at superior court--
1.I hate waiting
2.Why do they think burping on a movie is funny
3. Kinda cold and hungry
I guess that is really four but i think cold and hungry go together

16.Name 4 drinks you regularly drink?
Water, Pepsi(otherwise known as the nectar of the gods) Diet Coke with Lime--Diet cherry limeade from Sonic

17. Current worry right now?
How my youngest is going to like and adjust to his new teacher

18. Current hate right now?
dirty house/laundry/mopping floors but i hate these things all the time

19.Favorite season?
--I love fall--I love the smell of the leaves and the wonderful colors that they trees turn. I miss it alot since we don't actually have fall in AZ

20. How did you bring in the New Years?
With friends and their kids--pigging out,playing games and doing a puzzles and the guys play games

21. Like to go?
Is this an opened ended question--like make up your own ending or is like take the time to "GO"--often i find i am to busy to stop and take the time to "GO"--I wish i could have others "go" for me

22.Nail polish?
Only on my toes--love the dark blue/reds in the winter, pinks in the spring and an orange red in the fall

23. Do you own your own slippers?
Yes.I used to love those with the funny animals and such--now i just like warm and comfy ones that i can drive in if needed.

24. What color shirt are you wearing?
A green one to match my eyes--after all the years of my mom trying to convince me to wear green it finally worked

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
NO--I am a cotton girl all the way--I just gave away my satin sheets and they were practically brand new--don't like the slip sliding feeling or the snaggy feeling when your heels are rough

26. Can you whistle?
Yes,only in...but not very effectively.

27. Favorite color?
I love it all in various shades--color makes me happy

28. Would you be a pirate?
ARGHHHH yes matey---but i think my integrity would be and issue to the whole robbing and pillaging thing---

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Not a big shower singer--but get me in the car and watch out!

30. If you could pick your name what would it have been?
hmmmm--this is a deep question--I think my name fits me--leigh ann, but not just leigh

31.Bed sheets as a kid
--I had holly hobby and then some pretty yellow with tiny little multicolored buds--still like those sheets (yes i still have one)

32. What's in your pocket right now?
a coupon to Lowes--coins and beads. What can I say? I live a random life

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
watching my husband play the WII

34. Worst injury you've ever had?
When i rubbed off all the skin on my shins knee boarding right before graduation

35. Do you love where you live?
Although it is hot in the summer you don't have to shovel sunshine and if you want the snow you only have to drive a few hours to find it. I do miss the trees from back east but have learned to appreciate the beauty that is found in the desert

36. How many TV's do you have in your house?
I think six or so

37. Who is your loudest friend?
HMMMMM--I think Sheli but actually she is my sis-in-law. I think i am probably louder than her at times though

38. How many pets do you have?
one really spoiled dog

39. Does someone have a crush on you?
It is my anniversary--so i hope my husband

40. What is your favorite book?
I go between the mindless dribble and murder mystery. I also love a good coffee table book and love History books

41. What is your favorite candy?
Heath Bar or Peanut M&M's--makes me feel like i am making a healthy choice since nuts are good for you

42. Favorite Sports Team?
the ones my children are on--although i do have teams i prefer to drive and watch over others--just a perk of my job

43. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Sleeping--what can i say? I am getting old

44. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
"Crap! I have to get up and go to work...again"

45. Worst habit?
Cursing and procrastination, but i try not to make that a habit

46. Do you play an instrument?
Does the radio count? I can play the first two lines of "My country tis of thee" on the piano--maybe one day i will figure it out

47. How long does it take you to get to work?
About 7 minutes or less--depends if i cut through the parking lot when i don't get a left turn arrow in the morning

48. Plans for the weekend?
work (story of my life) Party with the friends for New Years--always tons to eat and lots of laughs and a good time--bummer it only happens once a year

49. If you could eat anything in the world right this second what would it be?
Panna Cotta! Seriously love that stuff. Just hook up an IV with that in it and i will die a happy person

50. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Since there are very few people that i dislike the odds are YES--only wish i could remember who actually sent it to me