I SWEAR....

I try not to--but sometimes it just slips....
I am not perfect--
far from it....
and i know that comes as a shock to most of you....
(Wink Wink--nod nod)
Please don't judge me too harshly.....

Growing up my parents taught me that a person showed their intelligence by the language that they used. I was taught that a well educated person does not have to use coarse language, and have been disappointed when i have had teachers that have thought otherwise. Often I think the true message someone is trying to convey is lost in a flood of foul language. Last week i was involved in one of these conversations with a student at a college..
And while he had some good points to be made, all I heard was
*BEEP*** #$^*!!
and then
*(&%*))***BEEP**@#%^!&
You get the idea....
Again the fact that i was in a higher institution of learning and the language that i was surrounded by was that of the uneducated left me feeling disappointed in our society...

So while these words are not used in my everyday convo
there have been occasions where they have come out for a visit... usually much to my embarrassment!

Years ago when i was almost 13
(i guess that would still have made me 12)
I was on a hayride-- it was October
--the time for all things spooky.
I was with a group of kids from church and we were riding through the DARK forest enjoying the crisp fall air, talking and being goofy teenagers just before we went into a Halloween party at this mansion-
(wait did i mention that i was with a church group--
kids who also were taught not to swear?)
While i was on this hayride something popped out of the woods and scared the bajebbies out of me--(Remember these were the years of Jason and the Halloween movies and such-and i have a very vivid and active imagination...)
in response to having the living crap scared out of me
a foul word went flying.....
It was as if time stopped.....
At that given moment it was so silent at that i could have heard and found that proverbial needle that was dropped in the haystack--never mind the fact that i wanted to crawl into it and never be found myself....
I was mortified!!!
EMBARRASSED....
and if you could have seen my face (thank goodness it was dark) i am sure i would have been a bright shade of red from the embarrassment that i was feeling.!
Honestly, I think i could have passed gas at that moment and been less embarrassed....
My leader said something like--
"I understand your fear but maybe you want to choose a different word next time"
Next time? Are you kidding me? I am never speaking around these people again--I thought to myself. If i could have found a bathroom i would have ran and hid but alas i rode back in silence and then contrary to the start of the night the remainder of the evening turned out to be quite enjoyable. I don't remember much else about that night and i am sure those involved have forgotten my slip of the tongue, but 28 years later, i have not....

Then came high school....
Ahhhh high school---the time where it is cool to swear, at least that is what they think.
Again for the most part i tried not to--and for the most part it is easy when you surround yourself with those of similar beliefs. I will never forget my girlfriend defending my beliefs one day as someone was using some coarse language around us. She said "You can't talk like that around us...Leigh Ann doesn't like that language or use it." Imagine my surprise when my values were being defended by my friends! It does make it easier to defend your values when those around you know what they are....

then i moved.....

At my new high school came a set of new friends and new guys to be interested in...
I found as i was hanging out with this group that they liked to drop the F*bomb--I said something to them which fell upon deaf ears and eventually I just brushed it off. When it initially was being said it really bothered me, it made me cringe, and then i found the more i was around it the less offensive it became....I swore to myself that i would never say that word since it was on my list of highly offensive words--it was a word that had never slipped out of my mouth--until one day--after being surrounded by this language for weeks--IT DID. The minute it came out i remember being shocked that i had actually said it.!
My values had slipped
--I was slipping--
all because of the company that i was keeping....
From that day forward i distanced myself from that group a little at a time...It was not easy but it was the right thing to do for me.....I really did not want to use language like that.

Fast forward 20 years......
(not that i haven't swore in those 20 years--just sometimes it stands out more than others--primarily from my embarrassment for not controlling what i say--since it just slips)

Today found me in a driving simulator--
It is supposed to be a controlled environment allowing you to practice defense or evasive driving. I know it is just pretend--
but at the moment i was driving it became very real....down to the moment i hit the bike rider and was t-boned by a truck.
I didn't mean to....
I was caught up in the moment
and it slipped....
can you say
EMBARRASSED--
like the 12 year old of years gone by
i was with a group of peers and i should have not said it...
but i did
(note: me with me head down in shame)
In all reality if it had been a REAL accident that is probably what i would have said--
so was i simulating my language as well?
One can only hope that is all it was....

I SWEAR.....
or i should say i am trying not to.....